I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
