Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
