I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
