i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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