i think i have two assholes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
