did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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