Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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