Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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