i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
