a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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