Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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