When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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