I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
