More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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