Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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