I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw