he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!