The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.