I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
