I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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