when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
