he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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