Sry I called you an 8
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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