I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
