I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
