The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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