mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
