ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
