I murdered the dance floor call the cops
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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