I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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