Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They took my balls.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
