i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
