he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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