I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
