if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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