God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
