We're like a lot better than the average bears
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
