She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
