my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
