You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
