so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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