i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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