I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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