So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
