Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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