in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
