I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.