Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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