I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked