I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
another moral hangover. fuck.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
