Sacagawea was the original milf.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
