I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
