I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
