she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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