my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
