He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
