i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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