Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
