dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
