guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
