it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
